Nothing like puking emotions out all over a page to help you realize how wrong you really are. There is something about writing it all down and “seeing it” that helps you realize where you are wrong. The black pit of self in my soul scares me! When I think of all that God has done for me, and how I still kick at the goads, I’m ashamed and humbled, but also astounded at His faithfulness. Last night the Lord lead me to read Ezekiel 37. It’s all about Him bringing things back to life. The key thing that stuck out to me was that God will bring this back to life – FOR HIS GLORY! – so we will know He is the Lord.
“4 Then he said to me, "Prophesy to these bones and say to them, 'Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! 5 This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath [a] enter you, and you will come to life. 6 I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.' "
He gives life to the bones and opens the graves – and brings you up from them! My prayer is that He will bring life back into the situations at work and in my life. And that He will clean out the dirty graves in my heart! In order for new life to come in nature death happens first. I have had a lot of “deaths” in many situations in the last year. He is cleaning out the old. Lord please bring in the new! Your best for me!
'This is what the Sovereign LORD says: O my people, I am going to open your graves and bring you up from them; I will bring you back to the land of Israel. 13 Then you, my people, will know that I am the LORD, when I open your graves and bring you up from them. 14 I will put my Spirit in you and you will live, and I will settle you in your own land. Then you will know that I the LORD have spoken, and I have done it, declares the LORD.' "
Oswald Chambers has a fitting commentary on this chapter:
The Staggering Question
He said to me, ’Son of man, can these bones live?’ —Ezekiel 37:3
Can a sinner be turned into a saint? Can a twisted life be made right? There is only one appropriate answer— "O Lord God, You know" ( Ezekiel 37:3 ). Never forge ahead with your religious common sense and say, "Oh, yes, with just a little more Bible reading, devotional time, and prayer, I see how it can be done."
It is much easier to do something than to trust in God; we see the activity and mistake panic for inspiration. That is why we see so few fellow workers with God, yet so many people working for God. We would much rather work for God than believe in Him. Do I really believe that God will do in me what I cannot do? The degree of hopelessness I have for others comes from never realizing that God has done anything for me. Is my own personal experience such a wonderful realization of God’s power and might that I can never have a sense of hopelessness for anyone else I see? Has any spiritual work been accomplished in me at all? The degree of panic activity in my life is equal to the degree of my lack of personal spiritual experience.
"Behold, O My people, I will open your graves . . ." ( Ezekiel 37:12 ). When God wants to show you what human nature is like separated from Himself, He shows it to you in yourself. If the Spirit of God has ever given you a vision of what you are apart from the grace of God (and He will only do this when His Spirit is at work in you), then you know that in reality there is no criminal half as bad as you yourself could be without His grace. My "grave" has been opened by God and "I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells" ( Romans 7:18 ). God’s Spirit continually reveals to His children what human nature is like apart from His grace.
Lord, Please forgive me for my selfishness. I want to work WITH You, not just for You. Turn me into a saint!
Please redeem, revive & restore!
I know I will still struggle through this frustration. But please help me keep my eyes on You, not on what I can see.
Pops, Thanks for the reminder to stop begging God for answers when we don’t understand, and to instead focus on who He is.
He is Faithful & I believe He is who He says He is, and will do what He has said He will do. Here I am “pitching my tent!”
He won the Battle – Looking forward to see how He will win the War! (Epic War, part 2)
He has done SO much for me. I'm looking forward with great expectation to see what God is going to do next!
Epic War - Notes from my Journal
Epic War
It’s one of those days where the flesh and Spirit clash on every level. I want to rail, scream, throw a hissy hit, punch a wall, cry and throw up. I irrationally want to quit my job and give up. I don’t want to care about what I do or who I am. Yet the love of Christ constraineth me! There is a huge tug of war going on inside of me between my head and my heart, the selfish and selfless response, and the Spirit is striving to referee the battle. I want to give up – yet His Love won’t let me.
It was announced today my “new” boss was leaving. He took a job starting a church plant in Syracuse. To most this would seem like a pretty non event, or at least not something to get worked up about. But to me it’s flipping my world upside down again. Unfortunately working in full time ministry, what you do, isn’t just a job. It becomes part of who you are (for the better or worse).
After many changes in direction I finally just got to the point where I was excited about where we were taking Youth Action and what God was going to do. & then Dan leaves taking the direction, experience & wisdom with him that was needed to implement all of our new plans. After being stripped of a lot of what we did before (& what I had worked hard to maintain after the last directors departure), I have a feeling that I’m completely lost. Management has know idea what to do with us or what direction they want us to go in. IN the mean time I have hundreds of people looking to me for direction across 2 states & I have no idea what to tell them. Here in lies my frustration!
I’m frustrated I have no idea what to do next. I’m frustrated I care so much, if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be frustrated. I’m frustrated everyone else bails ship around here and I get stuck cleaning up their mess or half filled plan or vision. I don’t want to be the faithful one left behind, yet God tells me once I have put my hand the plow to not look back. I’m frustrated God is using me to be the glue that holds it all together. I’m frustrated that I struggle with this! I want to be a super Christian & shout that God is in control ( and I know He is) Yet I hate wrestling this out, though I am thankful that He can handle my frustration. Why am I so selfish? This last page is all about how I feel.
My biggest blessing is also my biggest frustration. Sometimes God allows me to see both sides. I see where my heart is at and I see where it needs to be – confidently resting in Him. I see that God is calling Dan away & I’m happy for him – but angry for us. I see that God is calling me to be faithful to stay here until He calls me away – yet I’m so sick of barely being able to make ends meet each week – and He reminds me to be thankful that they DO meet each week, and it’s not about the money, it’s about showing His love to ppl.
I’ve told the Lord at least a hundred times today “I just DON’T get it!” He doesn’t answer directly with an explaination, yet He sends a scripture or reminder through a friend. He is Faithful when I am not! I feel so broken. God I know you don’t give us more than we can handle, but I really wish You wouldn’t trust me so much, sometimes! The last few weeks I have become so humbled and broken, (suicidal friends, grandpa dying, major pressure with school, getting ready to move, and a lot more on top of daily life) This was the last straw I guess!
The pressure, stress and pain have been building and I guess it’s better to blow up on paper than in reality.
I should be looking at this change as positive, this is a time to grow, a chance for new & better things to come along. Yet I war with all the feeling of anger, and the whys? & What nows? (I trusted leadership again, I trusted Dan and He is leaving. Why do I have to care so much?!?!? Why can’t this just be a job & not a lifestyle?) The only redeeming grace is that this is not "my work" it is God's. Tis the only reason I'm not running screaming for the hills right now.
Lord, please help me to trust You. I know You are in control. I know You will help me & make me strong enough, we have been down the “craziness at work, let’s be on a Yoyo hanging from a roller coaster” road before. I just don’t want to walk it again. You have brought me this far & I know You won’t leave me here. I really just want to wallow. Forgive me. It’s not full blown panic like it was when the last boss left, You have shown me Your faithfulness, it’s just a weariness, a “You have got to be kidding, this again?”
Please, I beg for Your grace & strength. Please help me to walk in the Spirit. I want to react in a way that honors You, but I’m really struggling! The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I know You will win in the end. You always do, so I don’t even know why I fight You! I guess so the surrender will be real! Please forgive my selfishness and help me to see it as You do. I love you & thank You for not giving up on me as I am tempted to do with Your followers. I want to walk this road right this time, I obviously missed some lessons if I’m walking it again. Thank You for Your faithfulness. Amen.
