Epic War - Notes from my Journal

Epic War
It’s one of those days where the flesh and Spirit clash on every level. I want to rail, scream, throw a hissy hit, punch a wall, cry and throw up. I irrationally want to quit my job and give up. I don’t want to care about what I do or who I am. Yet the love of Christ constraineth me! There is a huge tug of war going on inside of me between my head and my heart, the selfish and selfless response, and the Spirit is striving to referee the battle. I want to give up – yet His Love won’t let me.

It was announced today my “new” boss was leaving. He took a job starting a church plant in Syracuse. To most this would seem like a pretty non event, or at least not something to get worked up about. But to me it’s flipping my world upside down again. Unfortunately working in full time ministry, what you do, isn’t just a job. It becomes part of who you are (for the better or worse).

After many changes in direction I finally just got to the point where I was excited about where we were taking Youth Action and what God was going to do. & then Dan leaves taking the direction, experience & wisdom with him that was needed to implement all of our new plans. After being stripped of a lot of what we did before (& what I had worked hard to maintain after the last directors departure), I have a feeling that I’m completely lost. Management has know idea what to do with us or what direction they want us to go in. IN the mean time I have hundreds of people looking to me for direction across 2 states & I have no idea what to tell them. Here in lies my frustration!

I’m frustrated I have no idea what to do next. I’m frustrated I care so much, if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be frustrated. I’m frustrated everyone else bails ship around here and I get stuck cleaning up their mess or half filled plan or vision. I don’t want to be the faithful one left behind, yet God tells me once I have put my hand the plow to not look back. I’m frustrated God is using me to be the glue that holds it all together. I’m frustrated that I struggle with this! I want to be a super Christian & shout that God is in control ( and I know He is) Yet I hate wrestling this out, though I am thankful that He can handle my frustration. Why am I so selfish? This last page is all about how I feel.

My biggest blessing is also my biggest frustration. Sometimes God allows me to see both sides. I see where my heart is at and I see where it needs to be – confidently resting in Him. I see that God is calling Dan away & I’m happy for him – but angry for us. I see that God is calling me to be faithful to stay here until He calls me away – yet I’m so sick of barely being able to make ends meet each week – and He reminds me to be thankful that they DO meet each week, and it’s not about the money, it’s about showing His love to ppl.

I’ve told the Lord at least a hundred times today “I just DON’T get it!” He doesn’t answer directly with an explaination, yet He sends a scripture or reminder through a friend. He is Faithful when I am not! I feel so broken. God I know you don’t give us more than we can handle, but I really wish You wouldn’t trust me so much, sometimes! The last few weeks I have become so humbled and broken, (suicidal friends, grandpa dying, major pressure with school, getting ready to move, and a lot more on top of daily life) This was the last straw I guess!

The pressure, stress and pain have been building and I guess it’s better to blow up on paper than in reality.

I should be looking at this change as positive, this is a time to grow, a chance for new & better things to come along. Yet I war with all the feeling of anger, and the whys? & What nows? (I trusted leadership again, I trusted Dan and He is leaving. Why do I have to care so much?!?!? Why can’t this just be a job & not a lifestyle?) The only redeeming grace is that this is not "my work" it is God's. Tis the only reason I'm not running screaming for the hills right now.

Lord, please help me to trust You. I know You are in control. I know You will help me & make me strong enough, we have been down the “craziness at work, let’s be on a Yoyo hanging from a roller coaster” road before. I just don’t want to walk it again. You have brought me this far & I know You won’t leave me here. I really just want to wallow. Forgive me. It’s not full blown panic like it was when the last boss left, You have shown me Your faithfulness, it’s just a weariness, a “You have got to be kidding, this again?”

Please, I beg for Your grace & strength. Please help me to walk in the Spirit. I want to react in a way that honors You, but I’m really struggling! The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I know You will win in the end. You always do, so I don’t even know why I fight You! I guess so the surrender will be real! Please forgive my selfishness and help me to see it as You do. I love you & thank You for not giving up on me as I am tempted to do with Your followers. I want to walk this road right this time, I obviously missed some lessons if I’m walking it again. Thank You for Your faithfulness. Amen.

4 comments:

Katie Bernier March 10, 2010 at 11:40 PM  

well that helped to puke all those feeling up! Don't worry folks, I'm not going to do something stupid! It's just that "Maturity Sucks" Even if in the end it's worth it. I'm the toddler that is crying at the parent & asking why before he settles calmly in his Fathers safe caring arms.

Gil Bernier March 11, 2010 at 7:51 AM  

Katie,

You are blessed to be in a place where you can seek after God. Remember that it's not about bugging God for answers, it is about seeking Him for who He is. The rest falls into place later.

I love the intensity of your life. Although it is sometimes frustrating, it is far better than a lukewarm existence.

For the eyes of the LORD move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.
(2Ch 16:9a)

k3davis March 13, 2010 at 1:59 AM  

I really wanted to reply to this when I first read it but the reply already present put it much better than I could. So I will just add, many are celebrating with you what God will accomplish in you through these frustrating circumstances. :) Keep holding fast! Heb. 7:25

Anna Marie April 2, 2010 at 5:37 PM  

Katie, I have felt so much the same way as you about caring when no one else seems to care, "I’m frustrated I have no idea what to do next. I’m frustrated I care so much, if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be frustrated. I’m frustrated everyone else bails ship around here and I get stuck cleaning up their mess or half filled plan or vision. I don’t want to be the faithful one left behind" when I read that I was like whoa, that's exactly how i've felt about my job so many times. While my job isn't a christian ministry it does require the same wholeheartedness and becomes a part of who you are. It's not a 9-5 job you can leave behind you when you go home...it's part of your life. And that's what is so hard to deal with, especially when there isn't stable people in it. I trust that you have found comfort in God's plan.

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I'm a fun loving, people person, with a passion for ministry and the Lord. My greatest desire is to see people come to realize who they are in Christ and how that effects every area of their relationships and lives.I want to know Him more.