How to Conquer the Christmas Blues

Blues. Why is loneliness associated with blue? Why not red and green — the colors of the Christmas season that strikes loneliness into the heart of the most contented of singles? It’s a season of gifts, when a lot singles would rather return their ‘gift of singleness’.
But then, what if? What if the Lord did give us a receipt with which to return our “gift”?

Singleness can be returned at the Focus department in the INAY (It’s Not About You) store. I know, that’s harsh – but it’s true. Bear with me and to read more about why I've come to this conclusion, and why (even though I'm in the same place I was last year) I'm enjoying Christmas without the normal blues this season continue reading here.

Ashes

Ashes - the gray between death and new life, fire and new growth. The pause between the living sacrifice, and a purified beauty.

“Therefore I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God – this is your true and proper worship.” Rom 12:1-2

An old friend and fellow youth worker always said, “The problem with living sacrifices, is that they crawl off the altar”. How many times have I surrendered something to the Lord, to later take it back? Or to have Him ask me to surrender in a deeper way or on a new level than before? Countless times!

Recently though I’ve encountered a new level of being a living sacrifice that has left me in something of a conundrum. What am I to do with the ashes after I’ve surrendered something completely to His will?

I echo Jim Elliot early in his relationship with Elisabeth as the Lord lead him to not pursue a relationship with her, so he (Jim) could go to Africa unattached. Despite his passionate feelings for her, he says

“'So I put you [Elisabeth] on the alter’ . . . and as the silence grew heavy . . . ‘And what is to be done with the ashes?’” – Passion and Purity

Jim and Elisabeth still had to see each other and be in each other’s lives for years before the Lord eventually brought them together. They lived with the gray ashes of their desires and dreams in front of their faces - daily  - as they choose to be living sacrifices.

In all cases and in all types of surrender, the Lord brings beauty from ashes (Isaiah 61:3) – that’s what He is in the business of doing . Be it in physical nature when a forest fire rips through and a new healthy forest springs up, or spiritual sacrifice – He brings health and goodness from it. I know that, yet it’s the day in and day out living in the reality of the ashes before the beauty comes, that is the struggle.

I’m learning two major things through this season though!  The first is that when there is nothing left but ashes - He is there! The I Am. That is beauty already! That is peace, joy and purpose!  Strangely (and not!) on the heals of that, comes the desire to breathe life back into the ashes so I can crawl off again. I don’t like this pause and want to interpret what I think could possibly be God’s beauty coming on the horizon and force it into my timetable.

I certainly don’t want to go back to the way I was– I learned my lesson and that part is dead and sacrificed. But I don’t like living with the ashes either. It’s like wanting to pick the bud rather than letting the rose bloom. So many, many, pretty things to distract before the real beauty comes.

Here’s the thing. The devil knows he can’t tempt ashes with the sin or desires of the past - they are still on the altar of Christ’s sacrifice – but he can and will tempt with the almost good enough. Tempt with the counterfeit, surface, pretty things instead of the deep, lasting, beauty. If we’ve been through the pain of the living sacrifice, why in the world would we want to give up half way? Give up just before the sunrise?

 I don’t like waiting as “we’re waiting but our eyes are wandering to all this world hold’s dear”. The waiting in the ashes is as much of a fight as the original altar was! Pretty Things by Tenth Ave North continues

“We are, we are, we’re caught in the in between. Of who we already are and who we are yet to be. And we’re looking for love but finding we’re still in need. It’s only what we have lost, will we be allowed to keep . . . Look at all the pretty things that steal my heart away. I can feel I’m fading. ‘Cause Lord I love so many things, that keep me from your face. Come and save me.”

So what is to be done with the ashes?

I don’t know. I don’t know if anything is to be done with them really. They have to remain so the beauty can rise up from them. Perhaps the ashes are a pause to give us a chance to live and walk out what we have sacrificed. It would be easy if the beauty came immediately – and then I wouldn’t need Him as much.

So if you’re in a time of ashes, remain faithful as He is faithful. The beauty will come in His time. Say no to the pretty things – know they will tempt you! 1 John 2 says that if 'we know Him we will keep His commandments'.  Knowing Him leads to being a living sacrifice, to laying down the sinful desires, as well as ones we think are healthy. So don’t let go of that knowledge in the in-between of the ashes. He who promised is faithful.

*Special thanks to my Papa, who faithfully worked through his own time of ashes. 
** Photo Complimets of Christine Britten - Yellowstone National Park - Volcanic Ash - for all of our adventures together! :) 

Contented Desire

Life is rarely either or, though most of us wish it was, as we prefer to live on one side of the road or the other. Maturity demands we walk the center-line, pulling elements from both sides of the road and wrestling them into balance.  And so it is with contentment and desire. Two elements I never thought could blend in the life of a single person – until I understood yada.

Several weeks ago I had the privilege of coordinating a wedding for some friends.  After the wedding I felt strange and realized I wasn’t experiencing the “wedding blues” (You know, the “how many weddings will I have to sit through before it’s my turn Lord? I hate coming to weddings alone… happy for them but trying to mask how depressed I feel” blues….). I was genuinely and completely happy for them with no all consuming/crushing longing on my part.

How did this happen?  Do I still want to get married? Absolutely! Do I still want a partner in life and ministry? More than ever.  But I’m content. I always thought that if you were “content in your singleness” it meant you were resigned to it and could no longer have the desire to be married, or you just plain didn’t care any more. But the Lord has been redefining singleness and contentment for me, showing me a different way.

The difference in how I see singleness came in part with learning about the Hebrew word “Yada”.  Yada in summary (I encourage you to study it out for yourself!) means to be known to the very core and essence of who you are. Whether it be physically (sexually), spiritually or emotionally – yada has the connotation of deep respect and value.  In many old Testament translations yada is translated to the word “know”. Used in verses such as “Adam knew his wife Eve and she conceived”(Gen 4:1) to “Oh Lord you have searched me and known me” (Psalm 139:1).

The verse that stopped me dead in my tracks and changed everything was Psalm 46:10 “Be still and know – Yada – I am God.” Wow.  The same desire I have to be known by some the Lord has to be known by me. God wants me to KNOW Him? Not just about it – but KNOW Him, His heart, what drives Him, how He sees life…  WOW.

The deep longing and drive every “single” person (every person for that matter!) has to be known, loved, respected and accepted for who they are is a God given need. But God also gives the means to fulfill that need in any stage of life.

As much as I want to be known, loved, and valued by a man -  the God of the universe already knows (yadas) and loves me perfectly in that way. And even more amazingly He wants ME to known Him as closely as He knows me. Pretty mind boggling when you think that He knows everything about us because He created us. Yet here He is offering us the pursuit. We will never know all there is to know about the Lord, but He offers us Himself anyway – so the journey never ends. You know the excitement and mystery when you’re first falling in love as you try to learn/know everything you can about the other person?  Well that’s exactly what the Lord gives to us. Because the Lord is meeting the needs in my life to be known and to know someone, the physical/sexual side of longing as a “single” is somehow more at peace.

I’m content where I am now in singleness.  That is why I can still have the desire to be married and can still be completely content. It’s a surrender of sorts. When you give your love life or lack thereof, to God, He is then free to use it and fill that spot in your life with Himself.

I fully believe if your “still single” than God has a purpose for it. That doesn’t include sitting around wishing you were in a different season of life. If you’re still single – why? What are you supposed to be doing with it?

When/if the Lord brings a man into my life I want to be found busy about my Father’s work. The more time I spend learning to “yada” the Lord and serving Him the less time there is for pity parties – till they're gone completely.

So if you’re single I challenge you to this – ask the Lord to show you Himself – ask him what it means to “yada” Him. Then ask Him how to use this gift of singleness He’s given you. (And yes it is a gift and no – It can’t be returned!  )
Funny thing is – I’m starting to really enjoy being single – I plan to FULLY enjoy being married so why not FULLY enjoy this season too? Laugh at yourself a little! For example this week I walked into my bedroom and started laughing  - there were books piled everywhere! And the thought that went through my head was “ Good thing you’re single Katie – cause what guy wants to share bed space with a big fat concordance?”.

So laugh, embrace the identity of being singly set apart by God for this time. Desire, but desire Him and His plan for you more. Use singleness to learn to yada Him. Be amazed at what He does in you and through it.

Contentment isn’t lack of desire, it’s surrendered desire. It’s the middle of the road.

You Don't Need a Fairy Godmother to Find Cinderella

 I'm so excited to feature a guest blog, (especially for my male readers) from a good friend Jeremy Holden. I am blessed to be able to bounce many ideas off of him and his wife Trina.

Why do we have so many mature, godly, eligible guys and girls who are still single?

I believe many Christian young people (and maybe even you) have been deceived and have fallen victim to one of Hollywood’s most pervasive lies. Now before you completely tune out, hear me out on this. I can hear you saying “I know Hollywood lies and I wouldn’t fall for it” but that’s the thing about being deceived, if you knew you were deceived – the lie didn’t work.

As a Christian, it’s easy to see that the “friends with benefits” and the “one night stand”  relationships we see depicted in the movies and on tv are wrong. I think the devil is using a better disguised and therefore more dangerous lie. The result of this lie is that we have almost an entire generation of young people who are not getting married and therefore not able to raise up the next godly generation.

So what’s the lie I think you’re believing?

You believe that if you wait long enough, you’ll experience ‘true love‘. You know - when you meet someone, you look at each other and suddenly the lights dim, music starts to play, a mirror ball appears throwing dancing lights around the room and you just know, “This is the one!” I call this the ‘Prince Charming sees Cinderella at the Ball’ (PCCB) lie.

Now if you’re a guy reading this I’m going to get in your face a bit.

I think you’re afraid.

Afraid of what?

Afraid of saying “no“. Let me explain.

You know several - in fact, probably dozens - of eligible, mature, attractive, young ladies. If you were to seek a relationship with one of them you would be saying “no” to all the others. And this is where the Hollywood lie comes in – you think if you commit yourself to a relationship, you are giving up on the PCCB scenario. You want to keep your options open. You’re afraid to take that step and commit to someone you haven’t fallen head over heels for incase your true Cinderella shows up.

I’m going to steal picture from a friend here. This triangle shows the three types of love.

You are expecting to have the eros - that emotional, passionate, kind of love - overcome you and then have the commitment and friendship follow. God has designed things just the opposite. When you develop a friendship, within the confines of commitment, your emotions will respond in kind.

Let me share from my own experience. I had been involved in a courtship prior to the relationship with my wife. Because of what I had experienced in that courtship, I was hesitant to want to enter another relationship. My wife also came into our relationship with a painful dating experience and was also cautious. That cautiousness on both our parts caused us to be very slow to allow emotion of any kind in our relationship. It wasn’t until I made the decision to commit to the relationship that there was any emotion involved. It was definitely a strange feeling to decide, apart from any emotion, to enter a dating relationship.

My wife and I already had a friendship and when the commitment of courtship was added, the emotions were not too far behind. And let me tell you, they wasted no time at all in catching up. God has designed men and women to be attracted to each other. Just adding some commitment to your friendship, along with the increased time spent together pursuing your relationship, and the God given attraction will develop.

That brings me to the next fear you single guys reading this are facing.

The Choice.

So how do you choose?

You need to be active. The process of finding a mate in the Bible always involves searching. The only example of God dropping a mate on someone is Adam in the garden (and it cost him an arm and a leg). But even then Adam had been looking - and “there was not found a helper fit for him” (Gen. 2:20).

As you look at the young ladies around you, chances are there is one who comes to the forefront of your mind (I know this because I’m a guy too and I’ve been there). Talk to some close friends, parents, or pastor. Also, pray about it, because “a prudent wife is from the LORD.” (Prov. 19:14) Don’t exclude someone because you didn‘t get the PCCB effect when you met.

Make a choice. Take a risk. Just because you start courting someone (or dating, or whatever you want to call it) doesn’t mean you’re going to say “I do.” You may decide you really don’t get along all that well and go back to being good friends. You will have learned and hopefully grown in the process. It will hurt a little (or a lot) but God never promised a life without pain. He may want to use pain to shape you into the person He wants you (or the other person) to be.

But on the other hand, the Grand Stage Manager may have the music cued, the mirror ball in place and the lighting tech at the ready, and He is just waiting to have you ask a certain someone to dance.

Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing
and obtains favor from the Lord.

Jeremy Holden is now 5 years into happily-ever-after with his wife, Trina, and they have three adorable children. He pops in with occasional words of wisdom on his wife's blog, All That Is Good. There you can read an account of their courtship, called, 'How to Woo a Wife'.

Call It What It Is - When Friends Know too Much - Part 2

In my last post I talked about close guy/girl friendships and how I’ve come to believe that close cross-gender friendships ultimately don’t work.  So what should healthy guy/girl friendships look like?

First – Call it what it is.  Be honest with yourself. If you’re in a close friendship with someone of the opposite gender, do you desire for it to be more? Does he or she?  Do you tell everyone you’re like brother and sister?

Brothers and sisters don’t necessarily text, chat, talk or see each other every day. They don’t flirt (By the way – if you’re just “teasing or flirting” as friends – you’re in a very dangerous spot). Brothers and sisters rarely do things alone together (or at least not as a habit). Brothers and sisters are also never exclusive (most of the time there is always one cross-gender friendship that is ‘exclusive’ or deeper than the others). Jealousy with the interactions the other person has is never present in healthy sibling relationships. 

If your relationship falls into one of these – call it what it is – you’re dating.  I encourage you to stop and think – even more so if you just tried to justify “oh that’s not me” to yourself after reading that last sentence.

Look at it from the future. Where can these friendships go? What happens when one party starts dating someone else? (Again – the deep close friendships) The friendship has to change. The closer one gets to marriage, in order to honor their spouse or future spouse, they can no longer have these deep relationships. 

Why do we have these friendships? Do you ever think about the purpose of the friendships you are in? Unfortunately a lot of deep guy/girl friendships grow out of unmet emotional needs. Or maybe we just enjoy the attention. The tangled webs we weave! Danger comes when we look to the other person to meet needs and securities that the Lord should be filling.

Honor your future spouse now. Do you want your future spouse to have a deep cross-gender friendship like you currently have? What if we looked at the opposite gender as some one else’s spouse on loan to us? How would we want someone else to treat our future spouses? How about with respect, encouragement and care, but also guarding and protecting them emotionally and physically?

Always the “best friend”? Tired of never being the girlfriend or boyfriend, but always being the “best friend”? I have news! You are always the “best friend” because you act like the “best friend”! Stop kidding yourself! Build healthy friendships instead.

What do healthy guy/girl friendships look like?
¬    They are clear-cut. There’s no confusion or questions and always good boundaries.
¬    They challenge and encourage each other in the Lord. (Look for a post on this soon!)
¬    They are friends in groups. Avoid a lot of alone time – it builds confusion and opportunity to share things that should only be shared in committed relationships. (Again, I know there will be exceptions - such as long distance friendships. It’s the spirit, not the law, to keep in mind.)
¬    They treat each other with respect and put their own personal needs aside.
¬    They act like true “brother and sisters”.
¬    There is intentionality in the relationship and it’s not forced. “I called to ask about this event, person, request, etc…” Not “what can I think of as an excuse to call”?

Rule of Thumb: Your closest friends, emotional support, and accountability are always with people of the same gender until you are married. This frees you and keeps you in check to have healthy interactions with the opposite gender.

The Balance. I understand that a lot of people use friendships as a way to “test the waters” or try things out in a “safe” way, to see if in the future, they would like to date that person. A lot of great marriages start out from great friendships. It’s the boundaries in the friendship that make it or break it. Good boundaries will also allow a smooth transition to something more than friendship. I also believe you can see what you need to see in another person without crossing into an unhealthy, deep, emotionally-tying friendship. If attraction forms, great! That is the way things are supposed to work. Do something about it then – define the relationship. It’s staying in the grey area that creates the problem. 

On the flip side, some people are so scared of where a friendship might lead; they won’t let anything start. This isn’t healthy either. I think in all cases it’s wise to remember:

 

“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Col 3:17

I’m also not saying you shouldn’t have guy or girl friendships. We need the opposite genders perspective and influence in our lives – we just shouldn’t be “best friends” with them.

Seek the Lord. I challenge you to seek the Lord on this and see what He thinks and would have you to do. I wish someone had told me all of this sooner or I had listened more. I’ve learned it the hard way.  I have also been learning how to practically live out healthy guy/girl friendships, but I hesitate to post specifics because I don’t want you to do anything because “Katie suggested it”. Seek Him. If you want some tips get in touch with me and I won’t mind sharing then.

If you would like to hear this from a guy’s perspective, I encourage you to check out my friend Chris’s blog.  http://chriskaspar.wordpress.com/2010/11/24/best-friends/


Thanks again to Christine Britten for being the best editor ever!

When Friends Know too Much - Part 1

Guy – Girl Attraction: that magnetic pull which elicits the secret ingredient in all cross-gender relationships.  The mystery of these relationships began with the creation of male and female at the beginning of time.  When we consider all the pitfalls in relationships, how past experiences play in, the way people were raised, their “norms” and the intricacies of how guys and girls communicate on two completely different levels – it’s really a miracle any relationships form, flourish in the differences and last. Oil and water, Mars and Venus, waffles and spaghetti – these are never things which sane people put together. How does this magnetic pull fit into our friendships with the opposite gender?

I’m not sure it does very well.  God created us male and female – to be attracted to each other, to be fruitful and multiply. He designed guy/girl relationships to go somewhere. (Read Song of Solomon – the Lord delights in the guy/girl relationship as He created it to be).  I used to believe that it was possible to have a close or best friend of the opposite gender and have it stay completely platonic. I have been proven wrong over and over again. In my life and in the lives of those around me, I have yet to see a deep guy/girl friendship stay platonic on both sides. Inevitably, one will develop romantic feelings for the other or desire more than the friendship they currently have.

Let me clarify for a minute- I’m talking about close guy/girl friendships. When your best friend is of the opposite gender and they are the first person you go to when have something to share, good or bad.

If God designed us to be drawn to members of the opposite gender, then it’s natural we want to be close friends with them. Even if we’re not romantically drawn to them, we still want a friendship with them. But in having and wanting these close friendships outside of dating and marriage, are we going against God’s design? Against the natural order of things?

To my knowledge there aren’t any examples in scripture of close one-on-one guy/girl friendships. Arranged marriages worked in days of old, because when people spend a lot of time together and become emotionally attached, attraction forms. It’s the natural order of things.  In the 20th century as courting went from a serious structured thing, to our now causal dating scene, friendship entered the picture. “Oh, we’re not dating, we’re just friends”.   Because our approach to relationships has changed so much there is now a lot of room for freedom, but also for grey areas.

Believe me, I love the new freedom we have. I have a lot of guy friends and, until recently, had a lot of close guy friends. The more I learn about guys and girls the more I see how cross-gender close friendships ultimately don’t work. They might work for a while, but in time one of three things will happen:
(1)    One party will fall for the other, and the feelings won’t be returned
(2)    The couple will cross boundaries, either emotional or physical (usually crossing the emotional boundaries leads to crossing the physical ones.).
(3)    They will acknowledge they have more than a friendship and talk about pursuing more.  If they decide not to, the friendship deteriorates.

In any of these three cases, it’s nearly impossible to have a healthy friendship afterwards. Where do you think the phrase “friends with benefits” came from? Guy/girl friendships don’t even work on TV. Watch an episode of “FRIENDS” or When Harry Met Sally.

If you know from early on that you wouldn’t want to date or marry the other person, don’t let a deep friendship grow without boundaries.

Here’s why close guy/girl friendships don’t work: There’s a theory that love’s design is triangular and has three components – Intimacy, Passion and Commitment. The version I’m presenting was the illustration presented in a marriage and family class I took at the Focus Leadership Institute this past semester. 

Friendship starts with intimacy – it’s that emotional closeness – knowing each other deeply and really well.  Passion will follow at its heels because of the emotion, even if you’re not attracted to the other person. Frustration, heartbreak and sin will follow without the commitment of marriage or a relationship heading there. If you start with the attraction/passion and it doesn’t work; pursuing the intimacy of friendship afterwards will lead you to the same place of frustration as when you have intimacy first.  It’s not meant to work that way.


So how is it supposed to work?  What should healthy guy/girl friendships look like? I’ll be addressing those questions in my next post!

Of Mountains and Passion

In my last blog, I brought attention to the seemingly obvious lack of godly men in the church and in our homes.  But what to do about it is the most important question. More specifically, what can we as women, do about it?  In asking the godly men in my life what I could do to help inspire the men around me to live courageously for the Lord, the answers were almost universal and seem almost too simplistic to be true! Yet I know it works and is true because I have lived it!

The there were a couple of things that came up when I talked to the men. The main thing was: Prayer

Sounds pretty simple, huh? Even easy? I thought so at first! Come on, prayer? It’s gotta be a little more complicated than that!

It is, but at the same time it is not.  When we pray – truly pray – the Lord changes things.  He says that the ‘fervent effective prayer of a righteous man avails much’ (James 5:16b). Even in the Old Testament, look how many times the Lord determines to bring judgment on Israel, and they repent, pray and the Lord shows mercy.

I said I knew that the Lord works and moves when we pray for our men because I have lived it. Several years ago, the Lord brought a young man into my life and after being friends for a while we started dating. During that time and for a while after, the Lord taught me what it meant to really pray for someone. I knew this man could be so much more than he was living.  But what could I do?

After we broke up, I prayed the Lord would allow me to see this man as He saw him. I prayed the Lord would continue to make him into the man I knew the Lord had created him to be.  For months the Lord gave me a deep love for him and a heart and eyes that saw and loved him for who he was and for who he could be.

These weren’t just ‘oh Lord, bless him’ prayers; often they were gut-wrenching intercessory prayers. Two things happened – first, the Lord allowed me the privilege to watch him grow into the godly man I knew he could be. And second the Lord changed me. When I first started praying for this man, I was praying because I wanted him to change. The Lord had to painfully teach me I needed to be praying for him so the Lord could be glorified in his life, not so that he could meet my needs.

Warning, this is NOT a Hollywood story – It’s better! As he grew in the Lord and became more of a godly man, he met and married a wonderful girl and they are pursuing the Lord together.  I walked away with some of the most life-changing and molding lessons of my life. I learned one facet of true, godly love means seeing a person for who they are and who they can be and loving them for that. Not for what they can give you in return.

“When we love someone we delight in that person’s existence, and we want to help that person be all the God designed him or her to be, even if that design may not have anything to do with us.” Laura Smit


When we love some like that, it fuels a fire to passionately pray for them! The best part is prayer works!

Here is the thing with prayer though – it changes you just as much as it changes the circumstances. I previously challenged that praying for our men is a call that will take more from you than you might be willing to give.  It will be a sacrifice – are the men in your life worth it?  How serious are you about doing what it takes to encourage the men around you? Will you complain or will you act? And are you ready for what you will get?

I say it might take more than you are willing to give because when we pray that the Lord will get the glory, he must often change our selfish desires first. Are you willing to be a tool that the Lord uses? To the possibility of being a part of someone else’s story – one that may have different results than you expected, but is ultimately better?

Wives, this could mean that as you pray the Lord points out things in your life that need changing too – He often starts with us first and it can be times like this where you realize holiness is much better, but much harder, than happiness.

Are we ready for what we will get? A friend of mine was attending a Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage® seminar by Mark Gungor and heard him say the following: “Most women, if asked to describe the perfect man, describe another woman.” Often godly manhood looks differently than we think it should. Are we prepared to let the Lord work in the lives of our men regardless of how that meshes with our idea of the ‘perfect’ man?

I believe the men around us ARE worth it! We are called to love as Christ first loved us. He sacrificed everything for us – can we sacrifice a little and pray for our husbands, brothers and friends?

The Lord has strongly convicted me to stop complaining about the lack of godly leadership in our homes, culture and churches and DO something about it. So I am! I have committed to pray every day for my future husband (who ever he may be) and one of my brothers for this next year. I’m praying that the Lord would help me to see them through His eyes and that they would grow into the men the Lord created them to be for His glory.

Who’s with me? I’m serious. Old, young, married, single – if you are a women and have a heart and passion to pray for your husbands, future husbands, boyfriends, fathers, brothers, and friends and want to commit to regular prayer for them, please contact me. I’m setting up a private Facebook group where we can hold each other accountable to be praying for these men and share with each other what the Lord is showing us about Himself, prayer and those men through this. Email me at notunredeemed@gmail.com or comment on this blog or ask to join - Women of Prayer for Courageous Men of God.

Whatever you do – don’t complain. Take your frustration and turn it into the power of prayer! Praying passionately TODAY moves mountains!

Edit thanks to J & T Holden and C Brittin!
Photo Credit

Where Have all the Cowboys Gone?

Whether it’s Paula Cole singing it, a pastor preaching it, or girlfriends chatting about it in a coffee shop, we all want to know where the cowboys have gone.

Photo Compliments of Kasper Photography

And unlike the song lyrics, I’m not talking about the ‘Marlboro man’ who does what he wants, when he wants and rides off into the sunset without looking back to whom or what he leaves behind. I’m talking about men who treat women, their families, God and country with respect. Who willingly and sacrificially do everything it takes to protect and honor those they lead and care for.  Men after God’s heart. Sold out, on fire men; who love and passionately seek after the Lord above all else. They lead and provide for their families and future families. They live intentionally and courageously. Where are these men today?

I’m not in any way trying to bash or disrespect the men around me! On the contrary! The Lord has blessed me abundantly by giving me a father, brothers and some friends who strive to be men of God in a culture that shoots them down at every turn. Because I have met real men, I now look around and my heart breaks at everything the media and culture projects as manhood. Even in the church, we let the culture rather than scriptures dictate how we view masculinity.

I could go on at length about why the men in our culture and in our churches aren’t stepping up. It’s a spiritual battle and a cultural battle – some of it is the fault of women as much as it is the men. Books, movies and research are produced explaining men’s roles and then and encouraging them to be men. But the end result is that neither men, nor women are living out what the Lord calls us to be.

The lack of godly men is nowhere felt as acutely as it is in the realm of Christian singles. The divorce courtroom full of broken promises and families perhaps follows that. Walk into almost any church and the number of Christian young women doubles that of the young men. It really hit home for me during my time in Colorado where the ratio of women to men in my class at Focus on the Family’s Leadership Institute was 3 to 1. And if you allow me to extrapolate and ask the question – Is this the state of the church and nation?  Where 3 times the numbers of women over men are stepping up to be leaders?

So, where have all the men gone? And what can we do about it? I’m sick of others, and myself complaining about it and doing nothing. In reality, I don’t think the men have gone anywhere. They are still here right in front of us. All around us are men created in the image of God, called for a specific purpose. They are ripe with potential!

Here’s the thing though, only men can mentor and teach other men how to step up and be men. As a woman how can I tell a guy how to ‘man up’? I overstep my bounds if and as I attempt to teach him to be a man. I end up stepping into the leadership role I’m frustrated with him for not filling in the first place!

Women, whether married or single, we are called to stand with the men in our lives through prayer. We can also live in such a way as to inspire men to be men. When we act as women and are comfortable in whom God made us to be, we challenge them to be all they can be in the Lord, simply through the way we live.   Nagging and asking the men to step up in our lives in a manner that demeans in any way simply comes across as disrespect to them. It creates an atmosphere of defeat rather than encouragement.  So how do we effectively communicate this to them? How can we have an impact without stepping out of our God-ordained roles?

I had the supreme privilege to watch a pre showing for Sherwood Picture’s newest movie Courageous. I can’t talk enough about how the movie will inspire men. I walked out of that theater even more broken for my brothers all around me. But I want to do something about it!

So what can I do? I started asking the men around me whom I respected, including actor Ken Bevell from the films Fireproof and Courageous: ‘What can we as women do to inspire the men around us to live courageously for the Lord?’

The answer was almost universal and seemed almost too simplistic to be true – Yet I know it works and is true because I have lived it! But ladies, it is a call that will take more from you than you might be willing to give.  It will be a sacrifice – are the men in your life worth it?  How serious are you about doing what it takes to encourage the men around you? Will you complain or will you act? And are you ready for what you will get?

The answers in the next post!

Blog Edits - Thanks to J & T Holden and C Brittin! I love you guys and thanks for your constant encouragement! <3 

I Dont Deserve You... (Part 2)

“I don’t deserve you…” It’s sadly a line that most of us have probably heard before. What we don’t realize is the depth of the pain, brokenness and belief that lends it’s self to the meaning behind that phrase. What are they really saying? In blog Part 1, IDDY was talked about in the light of manipulation, because in the world of relationships it’s a phrase that is heard or thought often. Granted, none of us deserve anything, it’s all because of Christ’s mercy and grace that we have what we have. I’m not talking about it that way.

I’m talking about the “I don’t deserve you…”(IDDY) that is said in all sincerity. The IDDY said because honestly believe we don’t deserve or aren’t worthy enough of the other person. We have all done things we are ashamed of, but in the light of something or some one “good” we cower back into our prisons of the past because of the fear that we really aren’t forgiven. Or maybe we fear they won’t see us as forgiven.

Last time I checked, the ground was level at the foot of the cross. The Lord redeemed us, so why do we act and live as though He did not? To the Lord all sin is sin – big or little, ugly or pretty, intentional or unintentional – it’s all still sin.

This maybe a little harsh, but what if IDDY is a sign of being a ‘Christian Atheist’? (Christian Atheist: When we believe in the Lord, but live as though He doesn’t exist.) We say we believe in the Lord’s forgiving power, but do we really? Can we say and act like we don’t deserve someone because of our past and yet still believe in the Lord’s power to forgive and heal?

2 Tim 3:5 says that in the last days there will be people “having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.” I think Christians are the best example of this! We have the Lord’s power and forgiveness – they are right there at our fingertips – yet we continue to believe and live in the ‘comfort’ of our muck. We Christians have, in essence, become atheists; believing in the Lord’s grace and having a form of godliness but denying it’s power to make us worthy. Christ came to sanctify us!

“And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.” 1Cor. 6:11

We have been washed, justified and sanctified – why are we thinking of ourselves (and allowing others think of themselves) as unworthy?!?

Sometimes IDDY sounds good. It sounds humble. But is it? Oswald Chambers has some insight into this:

“The way we continually talk about our own inabilities is an insult to our Creator. To complain over our incompetence is to accuse God falsely of having overlooked us. …how unbelievably inappropriate and disrespectful they [our words/perspectives] are to Him. We say things such as, “Oh, I shouldn’t claim to be sanctified; I’m not a saint.” But to say that before God means, “No, Lord, it is impossible for You to save and sanctify me; there are opportunities I have not had and so many imperfections in my brain and body; no, Lord, it isn’t possible.” That may sound wonderfully humble to others, but before God it is an attitude of defiance.”

Hebrews talks a lot about being careful to not accept the grace of God in vain, and crucify for ourselves again the Son of God. Is rejecting His grace, in a false sense of humility, doing that?

Only you, and only the person saying IDDY, can accept the redemption and sanctification the Lord offers. We can’t change perceptions of others (as discussed in Post 1). But we can point them back to the Lord and help them see that being truly humble means walking out in confidence the worthiness we gain from being in Christ.

C.S. Lewis says ‘humility is not thinking less of ourselves, it is thinking of ourselves less’.

I love to see humility as seeing yourself as God sees you. What a beautiful picture!

How do we do help people see this picture? – By first letting go of our own perfectionism and trying to do it on our own. Receive the grace yourself and then you can extend it to others. Immerse yourself in the Word. Pray for your friends. Love them enough to gently speak the truth into their lives. Accept and love them for who they are now, while challenging them (winsomely) to be all they can be. Your example of unconditional love, no matter how long they are on the road of struggling with accepting grace, will be the love of Christ to them - until they can see the love of Christ for themselves.

So – the next time you hear yourself or someone else say they DDY, please recognize it as the red flag it is! See past the curtain of brokenness into the light of His grace! Challenge yourself/them out of Christian Atheism to true humility!

And now on to post #3 – I don’t deserve you…. or are you really trying to say “You just deserve someone better than me”? Is this a cop out?

I Dont Deserve You... (Part 1)

“I don’t deserve you…” It’s sadly a line that most of us have probably heard before. If it hasn’t been said to you, or if you haven’t said it yourself, you probably know some who believes it. In the world of relationships it’s a phrase that is heard or thought often. Granted, none of us deserve anything, it’s all because of Christ’s mercy and grace that we have what we have. I’m not talking about it that way.

Most often the “I don’t deserve you”, comes from a false sense of identity/humility and elicits a reaction in me along the lines of, ah, how shall I say it politely… “male cow poo”? The Lord redeemed us, why do we act and live as though He did not? We don’t deserve the Lord’s grace and forgiveness, but outside of a “God has been so good to me, I don’t deserve you, but am thankful you are in my life…” line, it’s not ok. Look at the 3 ways this phrase is usually used:

(1) The first “I don’t deserve you…” (IDDY) is used to manipulate. I’ve watched dating couples say this to each other - It’s been said to me. The Newsboy’s Truth and Consequences song gives a prime example of this:

“I've had lots of destructive relationships, and I know I don't deserve someone like you anyway. It's just, there's this strange purity about you... almost a radiance. Maybe it comes from your religious beliefs, I don't know....”

Sound familiar? At first glace what’s wrong with saying that? Or responding to it? Isn't it good to be honest about where you have been before? Yes. But look deeper.

I don’t think the IDDY line is always intentionally used to manipulate, but it often turns that way. If they really believe they don’t deserve you, (in my opinion then they don’t, and I’ll explain why later) it is coming from a place of deep hurt, brokenness, insecurity and false humility in their own lives (this is the second reason which I’ll discuss in the next post).

When some says they don’t deserve you, what is your first response? Mine is usually, ‘Oh, that’s not true, we all have messed up!’ This kind of response usually elicits further protest that they ‘really don’t deserve you’. You would think they were trying to shoot themselves in the foot, or scare you away. But it doesn’t. 95 % of us stick around and if it is a romantic relationship, that IDDY is the first sign of trouble. Why?

Because as women, God created us to nurture, that is a huge part of our genetic make up. And the Lord created men to the same extent with a deep sense of protection. We stay around and enter into destructive relationships, because it goes against our nature to walk away. We want to help fix what is wrong with the other person and help show them how we see them and that they do have worth and deserve us. This is where the unintentional (and sadly, sometimes intentional) manipulation comes in.

We are trying to help and fix something that only the Lord can. Sure we can point this person to the Lord and encourage them to see themselves as the Lord sees them. But we can’t fix the brokenness. Only the Lord can do that. When we try to fix the other person’s brokenness we end up playing God, or even start manipulating back. We start wanting the other person to change for us not for the sake of changing so they can be a whole person in the Lord. The only one that can mend a broken heart is the maker of the heart. When we try to take the Lord’s place in the mending we essentially set ourselves up to be worshiped -taking God's place- we can become as an idol in there lives.

I’m not saying run the next time you hear this line, but don’t just take it in. Think about it. If you say this, please think about the reason why you’re saying it.

(2) The second reason I think is the most common. You or the other person honestly doesn’t think they deserve the other person. You don’t believe yourself worthy – and it’s not coming from manipulation. It’s just how you feel about yourself in comparison with the other person. Nothing is wrong with feeling that way, right?

Wrong!

Read why in my next post, and in the mean time check out the rest of the Newsboy's Song:

For Today - Called to be Single

I’ve always been very hesitant to write blogs on singleness. But I'm going to be brave and might even write a series of them! Writing on singleness is a taboo thing to do. And if I do write about it, will I be lumped with in with all the desperate needy singles? If you’re not needy, but still have the desire to be married, not talking about it is the easiest thing to do. Why talk about something we want but can’t have, when it only serves as a reminder of it?

The problem is, it IS healthy to talk about it. We don’t need to dwell on it, but talking helps keep perspective and lends encouragement. If you’re single I hope this encourages you, if you’re not, maybe you gain perspective to encourage your single friends. Peek with me through this window?

You can desire to be married and not be ashamed of it, or come across as needy and desperate. For the longest time I didn’t realize this. The Lord has brought me through various seasons of singleness from being completely content to really wanting a partner in ministry, companionship and a family.

What do we do with those desires though? Most singles handle them one of two ways, they either bury those feelings and turn try to turn them off (I’ve been guilty of this) or they become so consumed by these desires that it controls and rules their life. They start to become the desperate single.

There has to be a middle ground somewhere! How do we live a healthy fulfilling life, while still having the desire to be married? We’re not supposed to stuff the feelings – God’s design is for family, but we’re not supposed to dwell on them either. Do they sorta just sit in our minds like a nagging itch? That doesn’t sound very exciting either!

I recently heard the phrase that has become an answer to those questions for me. It is: ‘ For today, I’m called to be single’. That blew my mind. Here is the balance. We don’t need to stuff the feelings or dwell on them, but we can learn to live with them. One day at a time. Some day, hopefully we will get married, but in the mean time, we are called to be single. But for now, He has a purpose, plan and timing just like He does for every other season. If your in the single season than you are called to it for now, for today. So get excited! He has called and wants to use me/ us NOW.

So the next time someone asks me “you seem like a nice person, why are you still single?” I’ll simply say, “For today, I’m called to be single.” Instead of what usually runs through my head along the sarcastic lines of - “because I eat small children! Why do you think I'm still single?"

Be careful too of comparing yourself to others. I fall into that trap at times. I’ve had quite a few very close friends get married, or engaged in the last two months. More of my close friends have someone than not. It’s so easy to start complaining and feeling lonely and left out. The Lord really convicted me of this; “But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.” 2 Cor 10:12 Wow. How often do I compare myself with my friends and wish for what they have? The Lord has me and (maybe you) on a different path. For today I am called to singleness and need to focus on that and be thankful for the opportunities He has given me.

I can deal with singleness if there is a purpose to it. God isn’t finished with you or me yet in this season if we are still single. He hasn’t given us this season to waste. How can we live intentionally to make the most of our single years? Yes, we will still get lonely at times but we will in marriage too. Marriage isn't an end all either, but simply another season the Lord will have us walk through. There will be challenges there too. :)

Rick Warren says it best: "Longing for the ideal while criticizing the real is evidence of immaturity. On the other hand, settling for the real without striving for the ideal is complacency. Maturity is living with the Tension” – How are you living with the tension?